For my darling girl.

Dear Willow,

This exact day last year you were due. On Monday you will be one, where has the last year gone? Time has flown but it has also stood still in moments of pure joy and moments of darkness and anxiety.

I want to tell you that I love you, you are my reason for waking up everyday and trying to be the best person I can be. From the moment I held you in my arms I knew that all I wanted to do is to make you proud of me. My life before you had no purpose, you have given me everything I never knew I needed and although I had a tough start with you, I don’t regret a single moment of it because it’s you that pulled me through. Your daddy did too, he was strong for the three of us when you and I were helpless and he is the glue which holds us together.

So many mummy’s will say that they always dreamt of a family, from being a little girl playing mums and dads with their dollies. I wasn’t one of those little girls. I have always worried that I wouldn’t be able to love enough, that I wouldn’t ever be enough for a little life to depend upon. That isn’t to say I didn’t want you, I did and I knew I would only want you with your daddy. He has helped me to love myself enough to be able to love you. Willow, your mummy is a perfectionist (your daddy is too but not as bad as me) I wanted everything to be perfect for you including my love. I just want to say that I am sorry for that pressure my beautiful girl.

When you arrived on Father’s day – the 15th June 2014 – it was perfect, the perfect gift for your daddy. The reality of it wasn’t perfect though. I was in a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape and I had lost all control of my life, my body and everybody else seemed to know what was best for us. I had no confidence in any decision I was making and I felt completely disconnected from the world, the whole world but you. You encouraged me to keep going, to not give in and admit defeat, you gave me reason to stay in this world and to watch you grow. And gosh you have grown! Your personality is so wonderful, you have taught me to just go with it, which, in turn has allowed you to blossom into the feisty and hilarious little person which you are today, almost a year on from when you turned our world upside down. You have shown me how to lower my barriers, to let go of (a little) control and to give up on the idea that you belong to me because you are your own person. Letting you be you and falling more deeply in love with you every day, has slowly helped me love the new me too.

I thought as a mother my job involved me teaching you new things, but over this crazy 1 year I have realised that it isn’t that way at all. You teach me, every day we learn something new together and for that I am so grateful.

I won’t ever be a stay at home mum, leaving you and going back to work was devastating for me – it sent me to the brink of despair all over again. I treasure the precious day a week that we spend together and I know we don’t have much of that time left either and I have been trying desperately to see the positives in being back full time. Ultimately I want you to be proud of me, and I think having a mummy who can provide everything you need is important and also my drive and commitment is part of me too therefore I think I need to keep part of that alive. Yes I feel constantly guilty about leaving you, especially when I am with friends who have been able to go back to work part-time but please don’t ever think for one second that I would rather be at work than with you. But one day when you are old enough I think you will be proud to tell your friends about what your mummy does, so that is what keeps me going. Now our weekends as a family are even more precious and they make the week more bearable.

This last year has been the longest and the shortest of my life. Both your daddy and I are so excited to watch you to continue to grow, amaze us and teach us to stretch our hearts to fit more and more love inside of us, for you.

I will love you always my darling girl.

Yours,  Mummy xxx